Archive for February, 2016
A lot of people ask, “How did you find them?” and to me the answer is a long story about how I finally found the right resource to find them based on this extensive, complicated, emotional journey I’ve been on. I know most people want the short answer but it’s about more than just finding my birth family. It’s about the timing of it all and how it happened.
I say all this because this is the first experience in my life that has made me feel like there is a ‘higher power’ working in this universe.
Not unlike many people, I’ve had my ups and downs with organized religion and the whole God bit. I went from being a total Jesus freak in middle school to literally denouncing my faith in God by the time I was 17. There were many experiences, feelings and overall opinions leading up to this decision in my life, but I think it was fueled by an imbalance between my expectations & people’s actions (not limited to religious people). I guess in a nutshell, I lost my faith in humanity, because God (to me) was represented by people and their actions, and people just weren’t showing up in the “Godly” way I had expected.
At this point, since I lost my faith in others, and thought I couldn’t trust people anymore, I believed the next best thing was to try and control them. You know the old adage, “If you want something done right you have to do it yourself?” Well, I took that to another level so it was more like, “If you want something done right you have to tell people how they should do it and how they should be.”
Whelp, that wasn’t working out too well for me as people don’t typically like to be controlled, nor should they be. However, that didn’t prevent me from trying even harder, being even more forceful, and using tactics that I later realized were considered ‘inhumane’ (i.e. manipulating, guilt tripping, silent treatment, general bitchiness, etc.). So, I’m sorry if you were ever caught in my emotional wrath when you didn’t do what I wanted. Seriously. I’m sorry.
But, no wonder I felt like this most of the time. People weren’t doing what I wanted AND I felt like a guilty piece of crap…
Sadly, I still clung to this romanticized concept that I had special interpersonal mind ninja powers, which amounted to this alter-ego of a great wizard pulling strings and making things happen.
And in that time period, I was very isolated. Instead of having real intimacy in relationships, where you, say, trusted each other (or didn’t try to change one another or even accepted circumstances for what they were (good or bad), or truly believed that it will be okay, and, God forbid, communicated without fear of being rejected and judged)…I honestly thought it was normal to manipulate others into doing things. Weird, right? So that was how I operated in the world. And it was a bit lonely. But I also kind of liked it because it kept my heart ‘safe’ and my chaotic world predictable, as long as I was calling the shots. Or so I thought…
The isolation it caused contributed to a lot of ‘wall-building’, so you couldn’t get too close to me, because, well, I didn’t want to be manipulated by you. Because that’s how we all operated, right?
So for many years I hated religion and thought everyone who believed in a God was a sucker. They didn’t know what I knew, the sick side of humans, and that everyone was capable of being a terrible human being, and eventually they would be terrible to you and then you’d see.
But it turns out all that hate and disgust and judgement really had little to do with religion…
Around 2013 my cold heart started to melt. I began to realize it wasn’t a ‘religion’ I hated, it was the actions of a person representing the religion that I had been hurt by, which caused me to turn my back on the whole show…or what I thought was a show.
See, I was failing to acknowledge how many people’s hearts are actually healed through religion and its practices, and instead I focused on the bad apples, or the bad actions, and the hurt it caused. I guess you could say that I looked at religion through a tainted lens. Over time…a loooong time (like after 12 years) I began to separate the unlikable actions of people from the identity of their religion. It sounds so simple, but again, it took a long time AND a clear mind.
So what the heck does this have to do with anything???
Well, this preface (yep that was just the preface) is important because finding my family was a spiritual awakening for me.
A spiritual awakening.
The series of events I am about to tell you is amazing to me. Now, I don’t necessarily think there is a white bearded man in the sky pulling strings but I do think there is a certain energy that is at play, at times, and around this time last year I got to be in the middle of what felt like an orchestrated cosmic series of events and turned out to be an incredible human experience, which made me feel a lot like this baby: